Friday, August 10, 2007

Umbeya wa kilokole

On Sunday the previous week after the service this is what happened
Pastor : On the public address. After the service I would like to meet Nancy in the office
Nancy in the office: Yes Pastor
Pastor: You are talented in singing and I love your singing and would like you bring out your talent by leading the church choir. Please come in Saturday for I will be away and continue training the choir
On Monday at a local shop Nancy meets Debora
Nancy : Do you remember on Sunday the pastor asked me to remain?
Debora: Yes yes yes
Nancy : He told me he loves me. Pliz do not tell any one else
Debora: Promise
On Tuesday Debora meets Magdalene in the market;
Debora: Do you remember on Sunday the pastor asked Nancy to remain behind
Magdalene: yes yes yea
Debora: Kuna MAMBO
Magdalene: what?
Debora: Pastor went to bed with Nancy
Magdalene : Oh Noooh!
Debora: Please do not tell any one else
Magdalene: Promise
On Tuesday on the way to women's merry go round meeting Magdalene meets Salome
Magdalene: do you remember on Sunday the pastor asked Nancy to remain behind
Salome: Oh Yea, KUNA NINI?
Magdalene: Pastor has been going to bed with Nancy and now she is pregnant
Salome: Nancy of all people and the way she pretends to be holier than thought, I can't believe it
Magdalene: You stay on I cannot believe it but, do not mention to any one else
Salome: Promise
On Wednesday on the way to a football match, Salome meets Adelina another church member
Salome: do you remember on Sunday the pastor asked Nancy to remain behind
Adelina: yes. What is wrong with that?
Salome: I don't care whether it is wrong or right but Nancy is the private wife of the pastor and she gave birth on birth on Monday to bouncing baby. I do not know the baby's sex yet.
Adelina: and Nancy used to look like she had added weight. Now I know. Remember the day she vomited in young girls meeting and the wife of the pastor took her to hospital. She should have known it was the co wife she was dealing with; and remember how the pastor prayed for Nancy; A whole 30 minutes as though God was deaf.
Salome: I just wanted you to know but do not tell any one else
Adelina: Promise
On Thursday Adelina at the bible study meets bible study group
Adelina: do you remember on Sunday the pastor asked Nancy to remain behind
All : Yes
Adelina: Do not say it was me for I will deny whether denial is sin or not
Angela: what is it? Even Peter denied Jesus and he went ahead to lead church when Jesus was gone to heaven
Elizabeth: Yes denial is not a blasphemy please tell us
Adelina: The known second wife of pastor Nancy gave birth to twins on Wednesday and because they were immature and there was no incubator, they unfortunately died
All: God have mercy on our church. We are doomed .
Mosha: Nancy of all people. And the way I asked her hand in marriage and she turned me down saying she was still waiting for the lords voice. Kumbe she was waiting for the pastors voice. Aki ya Mungu she is the axis of evil in our church
Blandina: Now you can consider me since Nancy has a husband
Mosha : This is not a joking matter
Adelina : Hey lets not fight but do not mention my name
All : Promise.
On Friday in the market place Blandina meets the church chairman
Chairman: Praise God Blandina
Blandina : ah ah praise the Lord chairman
Chairman : why do you laugh Blandina. Have you backslidden or do I have an issue?
Blandina: do you remember on Sunday the pastor asked Nancy to remain behind
Chairman: Yes
Blandina: Am ashamed
Chairman: with what, who and why?
Blandina : You church leaders think we are stupid
Chairman: I do not understand you yet
Blandina: You mean you do not know that the pastor has a whole group of girl friends in the church and a number of wives. I also think you are the same since you are friends . In fact Nancy is one of them and she gave birth yesterday to still born triplets who were secretly taken to the rural area of the pastor and burial will be on Monday not to attract public attention.
Chairman : Shetani ASHINDWE! No wonder the pastor never invited me when he met Nancy
Blandina : I only wanted you to know but do not tell anybody
Chairman Promise
On Saturday at the couples fellowship chairman meet all
Chairman: I hope you understand why the pastor could not make it to today fellowship
All : No, is anything wrong?
Chairman: I Ihope our church is not coming to an end. You know the bible says it all. In the last days there will be men who will resemble the people of the cloth but they will deny the real power of god.
Msengi : Wacha kutuzungusha. We are not babies
Chairman : O.K. The pastor is mourning the untimely death of four kids born by his two girl friends at the same time but in different parts of the village; twins each; who died for varied reasons. It is even being suspected it was abortions which went wrong and the police are holding the two girls and the midwife involved for further investigations. Since all of them are our church members, I hope the name of the pastor will not be mentioned in the fracas.
Mushi : So the pastor has gone to hiding and that is why he is not here today. I swear atanirudishia zile sadaka nimetoa kanisani since I joined the church.
Mosha : Mimi siendi nyumbani, napita kwake nichukue advace refund kabla queue haija kuwa ndefu sana
All: Let us come mapema kesho tujue mwanzo na mwelekeo wa haya mambo.
On Sunday at 6.00 am the church is full
Chairman : Praise and worship choruses please
All: let us sing "all the things done under the bed shall be broadcast at the hill top"
Pastor : Still in his house; My wife I think we need to hurry up for the revival times have kicked in. I cannot believe the church is full at six o'clock in the morning. Even some people are worshipping from outside. Our prayers are answered. Praise be to GOD
Chairman: I know he is scared let me bring him in
All : Oh yeah!
Pastor: what is the chairman talking about? Let me go and check
All: KANAJILETA with louder and louder singing "Yote yawezekana kwa imani.."
Chairman: Every one quiet! This is the moment of truth
Pastor: Yes the moment when the devil must be ashamed is here and now
All : Oh yes, say that again and again and again pastor
Pastor : Let us sing the chorus: '..every knee shall bow and every tongue confess..'
All : Confess first before we sing and bow to pray for you
Chairman: Pastor vipi huko na matanga ya extended familia yako kesho?
Pastor : who died and when?
All : Wacha kujifanya!!!!!!!
Chairman: oh yes One is your Nancy's twins
Pastor, and wife plus Nancy fainted

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